Trust

Trust is not what I thought it was. I thought trust had something to do with being able to rely on a person, or on a piece of knowledge. Trust was being so sure that this belief or attitude was correct and good for me, being so sure that this person wouldn’t hurt me or betray me. ‘I trust you’ as a condition and limitation set on another to make them be who I want them to be. Always an implied sentence: ‘I trust that…’
Trust, as I see it now, is an UNcertainty, an UNreliance. Not desiring any particular outcome. Life is a mess. But rather than meeting that realization with fear and seeking to fix it with ‘right’ answers and solutions, meeting it with trust. Letting it be a mess because that’s what it is. I’m not talking about resignation. As part of that mess, my own impulse to do differently is acted on. That is a kind of trusting yourself: following what is most deeply true for YOU at any point in your life. That does not mean that the choices I make will be ‘correct’. Nor will they be ‘incorrect’. Some things will happen and others will follow from them. There does not have to be some ultimate objective ‘right’. There is nothing to rely on but that life will live you just as it does. And then you die. If there is no fear for the good of your immortal soul, you might as well not seek any external authority to tell you how you should live correctly. Because what is there to lose? You go along and follow your own native and irrepressible impulse to learn, grow, deepen your understanding, expand, and love. Just because it happens to be there, and you are driven to live it.
In that sense, there was no re-building of trust after the FOF. But a growing of something quite new. ‘I trust’. Full stop.